Gomen nasai...Nakago-sama
by Michelle Kai ou
Summary: Tomo reflects his feelings for Nakago and his life as he dies...nuff said


Gomen nasai...Nakago-sama  
  
Summary: Tomo reflects his feelings for Nakago as he dies.  
  
Romantic Angst  
  
"Gomen nasai...Nakago-sama..." Strange, isn't it, to have your last thoughts be of the one who used you and drove you to your point of death? Yet he was the one I loved. I couldn't not think of him had I wanted to.  
  
I failed in my mission to destroy the traitor Amiboshi. His wretched twin Suboshi got in the way. Those two cared for each other. No, not exactly in the way I care for Nakago, but at least they cared for each other. I, on the other hand, will never experience anything close to what those two feel for each other.  
  
Nakago killed me. He sent me on this mission. But I don't hate him for it. The illusion of my life is finally over. That's all life really is. An illusion. I should be thanking him. He put me out of my misery. I will never have to experience pain like the one I felt when I was with him. The pain of loving someone and them not returning your feelings. Pain. That's all life was.  
  
Life and pain and illusion all fit. But life was an illusion not even I, the master of illusions, could tear away from. Life was an illusion so real that all the pain and sadness that went with it were unbearable. And nobody could escape it. Not even me...Nakago would laugh at that...  
  
My relationship with Nakago was an endless dance that would always go the same way. He baited me and I always took the bait. I always held out hope that maybe one day he would love me the way I loved him. But no. Somewhere in my heart I knew it wasn't so, but I wouldn't listen...wouldn't trust my instincts. And as the years passed by, bits and bits of my heart followed until I was an empty soul. I listened to him. I gave him all he needed of me. And he never returned anything. Yet I was content to know I was making him happy. Helping him.  
  
I was a slave. But a willing one. Pathetic, isn't it? One look at those hard and yet warm crystal blue eyes and I was willing to do anything he wanted. So was Soi. As I think of it now, I laugh. I laugh at my foolishness.  
  
We both sought after him, Soi and I. We were bitter rivals. No, we didn't exactly hate each other. We were just...rivals. Rivals after the same single goal. Nakago's heart. But at least he offered a part of himself to her. Never to me. He offered his body to her. That was as much as he would ever give to anybody, even somebody he cared for...even somebody he loved. There was so little room in his heart. The rest, like mine, had been worn away with time. With the pains of life. And Soi was all it could hold. He would never truly trust anyone again with his heart. Never.  
  
But I was blinded by my love for him to see that. Strange how when you are the on the verge of dying you see clearly what you did not see in life. And yet life was better, despite the pain, when my vision was blurred. When I could not see the sharp daggers that tore away at my heart. The daggers that came from Nakago's hand.  
  
Should I be happy or sad that I am about to die? I'm unsure. My life had no real purpose. Before Nakago, I was a worthless opera performer. After he entered my life, I was the feared Sieryuu shichiseishi Tomo. I never knew that I was capable of love until I met him. But that love was an endless cycle of pain and hurt. Should I be glad to get away from it? Or should I be sad to never see Nakago again?  
  
He would just hurt me again. Hurt me physically because I had failed him. Hurt me mentally because I knew I had failed him. But pain was what I thrived on. It was all that kept me...ironically...alive. It was what let me know that I, at least, was real. It was a drug. Nakago was a drug. I loved him, though he did not love me. I was slave. He was master. I was tortured while he watched. Watched without emotion. And yet we were so alike. Neither of us really trusted anybody. Both of our hearts were small, worn away, dying. We both were powerful shichiseishi, though he was the more powerful one. We both went after we wanted, not caring who got in the way nor fearing what we would have to go through. I went after him, but I failed. I suffered and I failed. He wanted to be a god. He would sacrifice anyone close to him (though there were few) to achieve his goal. But I could love. I trusted somebody with my heart. I trusted him. He never would...Ah, so alike and yet so different.  
  
Happiness, pain, sadness, illusion, all of it. That was life. I should be glad to be entering death. Entering the bleak existence of those souls who had died. Many of whom I had killed myself. I would never yearn for anything again. Not even for Nakago. Especially not for Nakago. Yes, I should be glad.  
  
But I'm not. Not completely, anyway. A part of me wants to hold on. Hold on for him. Despite the fact that he would never think another thought of me. Yes, life was an illusion. It was all an illusion. But my love was not. And despite the fact that he will never feel for me what I feel for him, I am glad to have known love. "Gomen nasai, Nakago-sama. I've failed you. But always and forever...Wo ai ni..."  
  
AN: I did not plan out this fanfic. I got stuck and confused on some parts when I was writing it because I had no idea what to really write. I basically just started typing. But I'm pleased with the results. I didn't really want to write a deathfic, but inspiration took hold of me. I wanted to show how much Tomo cares for Nakago. Which is why Nakago's the last person he's thinking of before he dies. At the point where I talk about how Nakago's heart has worn away, I realized I was bashing him too much, so I wrote that in to show that Nakago's not really the heartless bastard he appears to be. He was made that way because of the pain of his past, just like Tomo. I was trying to show WHY Tomo should love him. And Tomo was showing himself why he loved Nakago. The pain that Tomo thrives on is inflicted by Nakago. He doesn't really love pain. Death doesn't reveal all. I wanted to show that, through Tomo's eyes, death seems to reveal all, but doesn't. He still thinks he thrives on pain, and that's why he loves Nakago, when in fact he doesn't. He loves Nakago, so he therefore loves pain, because that's all that Nakago offers him. All he offers him personally, anyway. It's better to get noticed in SOME way by the one you love than to be ignored, right? In the end, Tomo realizes that he is not bitter over death. It's a chance for him to finally resolve his internal issues concerning Nakago. He realizes that he loves Nakago despite all that Nakago's done to him. And he always will. Because there's a piece of Nakago that he knows exists that is perfect in his eyes. And he can't fight his heart. Some things are still unclear to him as to why he should love the blond hottie we all know and love, but he realizes that, despite all the pains he has suffered, he will always love Nakago, because it's an action he just can't help. Does any of what I've said make sense? Well, assuming it doesn't, just ignore it and forget all you read. ^^;;;; For those who can't let go and will be having nightmares about this, you can e- mail me at Minhmai2660@yahoo.com and I'll try to answer all the questions you might have for me. Thank you.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. 


End file.
